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Profile for Krysalis
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KrysalisGeneral information
Description I am slightly older than most that are posting, but that is definitely because I have taken longer to admit I was different. I have had the connection to an unseen event feeling, I have felt drawn to looking at the time at the same time every time, I feel closer to the world itself than most of the people inhabiting it, I can relate to more than one instance in every post I read here. I remember since I could remember having moments when I was alone that somehow the world was moving around me, but I was stuck still or moving slow enough I seemed stuck. If I was out climbing trees or investigating whatever I could see, touch, smell, hear, taste, dream or think of (always alone), there was never a time I didn't close my eyes and try to "feel" what was going on around me or even in other parts of the world. It would sometimes feel like the world around me was "vibrating" in a sense like it was trying to communicate or connect with me. As I got older those feelings receded and I fell into the drone life habit. I still felt different or meant for something more so I tried to make up for that by leading a double life. I did things I would've never done normally to try to feel in control or expand my "vision"/"education" and bring back the sensations I had when I was younger. I am grateful to an extent about this because that was the time in my life I met my significant other. We married, had a child, lost the child, had another child...I began to feel like a drone again after a while. He and I divorced. Both of us seemed to be on a better path. Then almost cosmically we both lost those paths for one reason or another and found each other again. We don't connect like what you see on the outside of everyone else. We can hardly stand to talk to each other a lot of the time, but I don't want to leave him and it's more than just loving him. I trust him more than anyone else I've ever known. He notices and knows the little things I feel make me strange or different and then he'll use that in a way that creates a crazy static power connection that makes us both realize we're connected in a deeper way...almost like being connected through space and time beyond imagination. There have also been times in my life, though, that when I have felt trapped in the drone life, that I have done things to feel outside of drone life that are not morally sound - at least not to me. Recently I have done a few such things. I got home tonight and just started crying. I thought about how horrible my anxiety is and how I'm scared to become my mother, how my anxiety therapist said I was codepentant and I wondered if that was somehow tied to my feeling of being outside the proverbial box and the family black sheep as well. I feel lost, trapped, smothered, different yet overly open minded - everything all at once. I thought about how my therapist, at my last session, said I was back to where I began with her because she had once asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I had two or three different answers for her every time I saw her. I am good at a lot of things, great at others, I've never met a challenge I couldn't overcome with time. I have taken the placement tests. The military said my memory and IQ was above them and to find something more challenging (I did not understand this when you hear about "special militants" all the time and every denial is based on fact so I know people like that are out there. I had zero guidence with zero urge to go in any of the directions of the gazillion ideas that came to mind. One me for told me to list my best traits and pick a career that best suited those traits. It seemed like a good idea at the time, not realizing it was an over-developed way of saying "find something you can succeed at by just going through the motions..." until it was too late... Now, I'm sitting here, reading and relating to posts, feeling better about myself but only because I know I'm not alone, yet I still have no inkling of an idea how to fix this without giving up my beliefs, morals or my significant other and child. Why do I feel like I want people to know me but not really KNOW me? Why am I drawn to things that most people would not go near because simply thinking of those things scares them to death? I love movies about secret agent personas and being specifically chosen for a specific set of skills not many others posess. Nine times out of ten, (which rarely happens because for some reason people are drawn to me) if someone doesn't like me, it's because they are intimidated by my unique characteristics, they wish they could feel so "free" themselves or a combo of the two which turns to jealousy and a frustration for them as they wonder why I can't just fit in the box...So frustrating...I wish I hadn't waited so long to search the topic or find others that feel like I do... Latest activities Tags |
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