Pandamonix,

Your post really touched me and I wanted to respond.

I wish life would have come with an instruction manual, but it didn't. Most of us, in this forum, face similar difficulties as yours. Even if we sound "enlightened", we all have our share of problems, trust me.
Because the subject of our questions are taboo in our society we feel isolate. Loneliness amplified our issues and it can feel unbearable sometimes.
I feel that very often.
I am questioning the meaning of my life every second.
I have no answer.
They may be no answers at all.
Like I said in a previous post: I believe life is a journey not a destination. Maybe our goal is to find peace and happiness without denying who we are, and perhaps someday help others like us.

I have decided that I will make the most out of my life, even if my existence is like a puzzle with missing pieces, I will keep going.

Few years ago I took the decision to create my own secret bubble, my own world.
My world is in my heart, I filled it up with love, values and dreams. I decided to not stick to any labels or categories, I decided to be myself, totally my own self from head to toes. I decided that I would love myself, I would trust myself and respect myself no matter what other people says about me.
I have somewhat found some balance since (even if the meaning of my life remain without answer) I am able to functionate better now.

Sometimes when I feel like I am loosing grip, I have two ways to make things better:
First, I try to stay physically grounded: I imagine that I have roots who link me to Earth, I repeat myself that I am a part of this world, that I meant to do good and that I have the right to feel what I feel...
Then, when I feel lost, sad, hurt or lonely, I keep repeating to myself that I have a gift, that I am different because of it, that I need to embrace it because it's part of me, and that I am the only one who can change the color of my life, twist things around and make it beautiful.
It's hard to self motivate and everything come with perseverance, but I know we all can all do it. If you want, you can also repeat those things out loud, the sound of your own voice can help to calm things down.

I hope this will help you, and others too.

Anyway don't forget that there is a bunch of people in this forum who feel the same way as you do. You are not alone anymore.

Please let us know if you feel better...

Nancy